Backstory: This was mom’s rant about her bosses the day she quit her job at the local newspaper.

I told my boss he was a soul-less suit and walked out. He’s such a tool. He has his head so far up Nancy’s ass and she’s just an old, bitchy, dried-out-uterus hag!

Backstory: I replaced my mother’s old dirty smelly rice-filled neck comfort wrap with a new one. when i went to throw out the old one, she tackled me claiming there is still use in it. She proceeded to chase me around the house for 15 mins tearing at my hair to get it back.

Dear Daughter,
Happiness is having daughters who are accomplished.  Who are doing what they want to do in their careers and are very happy doing it.

You have required so little of me in your push and drive in becoming independent adults.

Now if you can be successful in beating mom at wrestling and finding my old smelly rice bed buddy 

mother

A bear got into the Walgreens entrance on Thurs. night. He got thru the first set of automatic doors, but got stuck in the second set. He ripped the door off the tracks trying to get out. In all of the commotion, the outer doors opened again, and he ran out instead of in. The clerk by the front register was in his first day of employment! Your dad said he was some 17 yr old HS kid.

We’ll try calling on Wed. We hope school is going well

Love, Mom

Hey lil I sense a transition coming up…..we know how good we are with those….you K? love you miss you gotta go oatmeal is burning. hey it didn’t send. Oatmeal disaster averted. Dad says “BLAH BLAH BLAH hi, I love you lil” I just wrote the important stuff. Now. I’ve scorched the oatmeal. I was up late last night counting my blessings (at the risk of sounding like a douche) somewhere around toilet paper I fell asleep. I woke up wondering why I get in my own way so much of the time. The only thing I can think of is… I am a douche. Sorry about so much douche but it makes me smile every time I type it. douche douche douche she typed laughing like an idiot. In short don’t be a douche like your mom. AND if for some reason your feeling down or doubtful or numb type douche it works for me. Well that is enough motherly wisdom for one email. now it’s time to eat my now cold oatmeal. love ya doll mom

Backstory: This was my mother’s response to my asking what her new year’s resolutions are. Obviously, she’s a little bitter over my busy lifestyle!

To improve my health. You should pray that I stay healthy. If I get sick, I won’t want you around. No time for me when I’m well… you live with it. Your choice.